you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
