totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
