Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
