I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
