I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
time to smoke my breakfast
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
