I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
