Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
