..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
