My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize