I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
