Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
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