What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
