just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
