He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
