Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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