i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
