how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
