i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
