Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
