I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
