How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
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