We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
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