I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Randomize
