I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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