Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
He passed out mid-signature
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Randomize
