I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Randomize
