am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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