A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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