Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
BRING THE BAGELS
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
