I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
