I wish my penis had an off switch
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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