She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
