i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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