Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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