Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
