The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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