shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
