There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
