matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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