Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
