and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
