im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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