I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
