What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
