operation have a gay friend backfired
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
