Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
