'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
