made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I will be naked everywhere
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Randomize