when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
