He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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