theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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