Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
