It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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