My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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