There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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