Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
