Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
