who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
