EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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