i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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