If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
