It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
