Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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