do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Randomize
