I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
