god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
