Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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