He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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