Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
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