omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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