I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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