We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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