Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
